Today, I feel like I’m dying.  Every thought is about Mom’s possible journey to Iraq to work.  While it is probably the best for her and her marriage at this stage, it is just surreal.  I am paralyzed by things too big for me to comprehend.  Sickened.  Pressed Hard.  I can hardly breathe most of the day, yet I continue to smile and go on, for everyone involved.

The Lord and I are making a plan.  He is carrying me, speaking softly, tenderly…every moment a lesson…every day a call to grace and kindness and patience, not stress and hurry and confusion.

Teaching the kids to stay gentle when they are upset, not yelling, not screaming, not insisting, but teaching, leading, calm.

Calm.

Last week I read that meekness is controlled strength.

That gives the word and description of Christ a whole new meaning for me…and I press toward that goal.

Meekness.  Humility.  Serving.  Loving.  Kind.  Gentle.  Patient.  Slowing down.  Embracing.  Making moments.

And…breathing.  Trying to breathe, all the while.

“Take only ways that are firm…”

Lord, the firm path?  Where is it for my mom and husband?  What is evolving seems so surreal for my life.

I do trust you, but my heart hurts doing it.

Today, so many words hit my subconscious, swimming their way forward through weary and aching muscles…aching with concern, weight, reality of something so big.

Words like:  “In HIM, I live and move, and have my being.”

“Therefore, I NO LONGER LIVE, BUT JESUS CHRIST NOW LIVES IN ME, THE LIFE I LIVE IN THE BODY, I LIVE BY FAITH IN THE SON OF GOD WHO LOVED ME AND GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR ME.”

“Stand firm in your faith or you do not stand at all.”

“Cast all your cares on the Lord, he will never let the righteous fall.”

“His eyes are on both the unrighteous and the righteous alike.”

“When you walk through the waters…”

And, I know my God is with us all.  I hurt.  I grieve.  But, I cannot grieve to the point of not walking in faith and victory.  Life is too short, and it demands too much to let thought and emotions rule today.

Thank you, Lord, for taking it all…even when I can’t.

“We shall not waste our time in looking for extraordinary experiences in our life, but live by pure faith, ever watchful and ready for his coming by doing our day-to-day duties with extraordinary love and devotion.”

This morning, awoke after the dog barking.  Then fitful, frustrating dreams.  Boy Wonder was already awake when I got up to check morning mail, doing his morning shopping.  He bought a camcorder, the old kind, yesterday, for their movies, and is dying for a battery.  It was $1, the battery will be at least $15.  Isn’t that the way it goes.

Went back to bed to pray and said, “Give me anything, Lord.  Encourage me today.”

I love verses read many times that come to place, even if it is not “the voice of the Lord”, it is the word of the Lord.

The word said, “Surely he has born our griefs and carried our sorrows.”

Isaiah 53:4
Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows,

He has.  Praise God he has.  I may as well let him do what he already did.  And let go.  And praise him all the more.  He “took them up”.  He “carried them”.  If the Lord of the universe has done this for me…why on earth would I want to pick them and try to carry them?  He is mighty and strong.  He could, and he did.  I thank Him.  I let them go, and praise Him that he took the weight of them.

Prov. 3:18 The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn,
shining ever brighter till the full light of day.

Sometimes, we feel we get more and more tired and worn…but the path of the righteous just keeps shining brighter and brighter.  How encouraging1

Proverbs 2: 17 Her ways are pleasant ways,
and all her paths are peace.

Pleasant…all her ways.  Peaceful…all her paths.

19 By wisdom the LORD laid the earth’s foundations,

I love this verse…I’m not sure why.  I think because it points to Jesus as being their in the beginning.  He was the word, the spoken wisdom of God, brining into being all that was created, right there with God.  Perhaps it points to the working together of the Trinity in ways we don’t always clearly see between Jesus and God in the beginning.  It gives us a sense of the way things were between jesus and God before Jesus came to earth.  They functioned together.

Today, I need to find a sense of direction.  I need to establish new goals, address old ones, and see myself move forward.

Okay, so I promised a photo.  Here is my little cloth binder.  I like how it feels soft to touch.  I had a little two ring binder for my cards after I outgrew my rubber bands and card boxes and photo albums.  I like this because I can have quite a few cards, but they don’t look like a plain card collection if I have them out with me somewhere.  This came as a soft cover book cover that matches a quilted purse set I had. I bought it in M at the Mall in that crafty type store where they sell lots of home-made high-end craft items.  I’ve not looked on Etsy to see if they are available there.  The brand on this one is Larenda.  In tiny print, I think it says below that Vacavilla California.

These two ring binders I bought at Wal*Mart in the school supply-office section.  They hold a lot.  I have a couple I keep and rotate cards between the two for “current” and “storage”.  Wal*Mart carried them for a while.  I don’t know if you can still find them or not.  They sold pre-punched cards for them as well.  I punched my old ones and bought some pre-punches new ones as well for ease of use.  That way, I don’t have to poke a hole through my reference, which seems to happen a lot.

I often include the same verse in more than one version for meditation purposes and though I tend to memorize in NIV, I find that I often have to go to Bible Gateway to look for the Amplified version because it says what I need and remember.  I can’t quote them word for word, but my heart and mind remember enough of a phrase to go look up the whole thing.  That’s at least been a good start at times.

15 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
       “In repentance and rest is your salvation,
       in quietness and trust is your strength,
       but you would have none of it.

 16 You said, ‘No, we will flee on horses.’  [self plans to stay in control]

       Therefore you will flee!  [and He will let you try]
       You said, ‘We will ride off on swift horses.’  [believing in the ability of our fix even more]
       Therefore your pursuers will be swift!  [but, the enemy can be given more permission to humble us]

 17 A thousand will flee
       at the threat of one;  [God can humble us greatly]

       at the threat of five
       you will all flee away, [And we will all fall in our self effort]
       till you are left
       like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, [standing by yourself]
       like a banner on a hill.” [exposed]

 18 Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; [or here might be a better alternative] 
       he rises to show you compassion. [Love, care, mercy, comfort]
       For the LORD is a God of justice. [taking care of all your enemies for you]
       Blessed are all who wait for him! [lean on, trust in, rely on, put their hope in, be patience for]

Lord, thank you for the reminder that there is the world’s way (man’s typical response of self effort and power and strength), and there is Your way.

I can flounder around in my own strength and power and try to fight things on my own, or I can lean on you and watch you take care of the rest. 

“But you would have none of it”.  I remembered that part from my memory card. 

Thank you for filling in the rest for me later this morning, reminding me that no matter how loving and kind and gentle you are…I can choose to refuse all that and just make life hard on myself…or I can lean hard into You and know peace, rest, joy, and salvation only you can give. 

The choice is simple.  Truly.  Not simple, but hard…but SIMPLE.

“But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace.”  Ps. 37:11

Just this one simple verse.  One line. 

Peace.  Meekness. 

I must repent, for my lack of meekness is keeping me from joyfully receiving what you call “best”.  My lack of meekness is keeping me from peace.  My lack of meekness is keeping me from “inheriting” all the territory you have for us.  Because…I think there must be a better way.  There must have been.  Perhaps we missed it.  Someone had to.  Yet…here we are.  And in meekness, in quietness, in trust, I can say, “Okay.”  

I can’t yet, but I know that meekness will take me there.  Lord, I give you myself and I pray for your meek and humble and mild spirit to permeate my bones, seep into my spirit, and bleed out my emotions.  Let trust in You, who can give nothing but good, make me as steel. 

Or, as a tree, planted by streams of water, whose roots branch out, whose leaves do not wither in times of drought, and it does not cease to bear fruit when the heat comes.  (Proverbs 1)  You deserve that kind of glory in my life.  You’ve earned that kind of trust.  It hurts.  Life hurts.  It is too much for me.  But, not for you.  Grace is not there today, because the need is not year here, but it will be tomorrow, or whenever I truly need it.  The grace will be there.  The provision will be there.   You will be enough. 

Okay, so I have not yet taken up my last 45 days of my 90 Day reading plan yet, mainly because it seemed there were some jealousy issues over the devotion I had to it the first time around.  I almost enjoyed it TOO much if that is possible.  I’m not sure how to reconcile this issue, except that perhaps that is why God tells us to do our praying in a closet and keep it there.  I was a little annoyed at this aspect of the program, but that’s sometimes why small steps are better than “pushing hard” marathon projects.  In any case, I’d like to finish if I can justify the time somewhere. 

However, I need to be in the word right now, so I’m going to pick up and work on my meditation cards.  I’ll try to post a picture of how I’ve been doing that for about 15 years and how it works best for me and why, but for tonight, I’m just going to type out some responses to the scriptures I’m reading and see how that goes.